Feelings vent. (has nothing to do with hypno/tulpa or anything else so you can ignore this)

Really feeling like shit right now.

I recieved several messages today from anons telling me to kill myself, then my mom busts into my room sounding like she’s going to cry telling me I spend so much time online and hiding from her and how I don’t love her and all this bullshit. Then she tells me I need to stop wasting my life on the fucking internet.

Well, guess what, mom? The seven people I normally hang out with are..

*In Ohio

*Her family doesn’t know / like me

*Her mom doesn’t approve of me dating her so we’re forbidden to hang out until we figure out a way to either hang out anyway or explain things to her mom

*Mom doesn’t know him, plus she doesn’t know I’m a lesbian so ‘OH MY GOD ARE YOU DATING HIM DON’T HAVE SEX BIG FUCKING BULLSHIT SPEECH I DON’T NEED TO HEAR AGAIN’

*Best friend? Oh, yeah, SHE’S IN NEW FUCKING MEXICO AND IT’S BEEN OVER THREE YEARS AND WE’RE BOTH STARTING TO DOUBT IF WE’LL EVER SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN!!!

*Not sure what the other two are doing but it’s too fucking late now to do anything with them anyway

Tomorrow I have to do like three hours worth of homework and then clean my entire room, find the two house keys I’ve lost and clean the fucking bathroom so I can’t ‘get a fucking life’ tomorrow!

Then by Sunday I’m going to be emotionally and physically exhausted so do you really think I’m going to have the ability or desire to get up and DO ANYTHING? 

I honestly want to curl up into a ball and just… die.

I also want to get high, but my sister’s probably busy (even if she’s not I wouldn’t be able to sneak out) and the only two other people I could get high with are listed above (the girlfriend who’s mom hates me and the guy my mom doesn’t know.). So I’m probably going to sit here, browse my dashboard and cry like I always do when my family causes my depression and then wonders why I hate my fucking life.

Prussia and Umbreon- New members to my mindhouse family!

I've decided to keep Prussia and Umbreon. A good bit happened today. I didn't have any dreams about them, but the several experiences I had today still linger in my mind. All in all I'm extremely happy.

I was taking a test during English and I visualized Prussia sitting in the desk in front of me. I tried to visualize him sitting and staring straight ahead, he actually came out turned around facing me with his arm on my desk and a pencil in his hand. He smirked at me and leaned in like he was going to poke me with the pencil when I had to keep focusing on my test and had to sadly stop.

The next experience was also during English. I was late to school this morning, on purpose, and I was thinking about how being late's kind of fun because I get to skip two periods I really don't like when I heard Twilight. It sounded kind of like her speaking from inside something, or perhaps under something, but it was muffled and I wasn't sure I even heard it at first. 'Skipping's fun and all, but you need to get your priorities straight.'

I squealed and smiled and then remembered I was in a crowded classroom and went back to the book I was reading. It was one of those class assignment books, and I was kind of interested in the plot but not interested enough to pay attention and actually focus on it. My mind was on Twilight.

I've also decided that later today I'm going to have a Void session and focus on Umbreon. Nickname (if wanted), gender, voice and we may begin personality today. I'm not really sure yet.

Since visualizing Prussia proved to be easier then Twi and Umbreon, I tested it again. My parents were in the store getting beer and I opted to stay in the car. I turned and visualized Prussia sitting next to me. He turned and smiled. I smiled back and laid my hand out next to him. He reached over and placed his hand on top of mine. While I couldn't feel any pressure or anything, I felt happy. I also felt like I couldn't move my hand. I mean, if I really wanted or needed to, I probably would have but I felt like I never wanted to move my hand.

I loved how today turned out.

i had dreams. and i think i might have 3 tulpae now

All right, guys, a LOT of shit happened in my dreams last night. This is probably gonna be a really long post, but I need to share the stuff that went down because I think I may have two more tulpae I didn't know about. I can't remember everything and this might not be in the order it happened, but here we go.

I was laying in my bed when I heard a voice in my head. She addressed herself as Twilight and said she was my tulpa. We talked for a while when I glanced over into my closet (it was open and I can't STAND when my closet's open) and saw a black figure probably no more than a foot tall. It's eyes were bloodred and it jumped out of the closet. I realized it was an Umbreon, but for some reason it was REALLY pissed off and growling and shit. I tried to calm it down but it disappeared?

I woke up from that and tried to fall back asleep only to be in my kitchen in the same dream. The Umbreon was in the dining room, still red eyes, still growling. I whispered 'I love you' and it slowly approached me. It wasn't growling anymore and we hugged. I'll address Umbreon as a she, but I don't know the gender or anything.

I woke up from that and fell back asleep to be in a completely white room. It felt sort of like being in a totally white, huge box. Prussia (from Hetalia) was standing there. I can't remember much of what our conversation was but I asked him if this was inside my head and he nodded, so I think he might be a tulpa too? (I want to mention that Prussia and Twilight were both completely vocal.  Umbreon never spoke so I can't say anything about her.) Prussia and I did end up having sex. I asked him if I would remember our encounter and he said yes.

Not much other than that happened except in my dream I could sense all three of them inside my head. But this is serious and I need your help because I think I have three tulpae???

I am smelling things???

We had a quick twenty minute session yesterday that didn't yield many results. As always I found myself leaning in and out of focus. I did try a method I read about that seemed to help me from trailing off a bit.

We sat down in the snow field and she put her hooves on my head. We closed our eyes and I told her to try to make it so my thoughts stopped losing track and it did seem to help a bit, I felt a bit of pressure on my head where her hooves would be but not much else. I could also faintly smell lilacs?

Lucid Forcing

Not quite the same as Lucid Dreaming, found it as a Guide in the Tulpa.Info forums and gave it a shot. It said it's pretty easy to fall asleep and pretty unavoidable the first few times.

I visualized the snow field we had the turret/portal adventure in a while ago and then imposed Twi. She had the scarf, hat and boots she had been wearing. I began asking her questions, I can remember a few of them being Can you hear me, Are you too cold, and a few others I'm having trouble remembering. While I didn't get any actual answers, I got a few head pressures. I believe this was her!

After a while I began to zone out and when I felt I was close to falling asleep I snapped out. Actually, I was about to give up and open my eyes but I felt as if something or someone was holding me there like they didn't want me to leave.

I've been getting some responses!

Not much new has been happening recently, a few headaches here and there. I did have something on Saturday that I find interesting.

I found something on the Forums about Tulpamancing Roleplay. I started reading into it and didn't understand it so I told Twilight that we couldn't do it. I began to walk away from my computer and I simply couldn't get the idea out of my head. I think it was her telling me not to give up on it so I said we'd look back into it which will probably be either today or tomorrow.

Also as I've been watching MLP and Sherlock (I finally got Netflix on my Wii to work) I've laughed and giggled and even cried and it's been the same alien feeling. Twilight's becoming more emotionally responsive!

Emotional Reactions and Tulpae Dreams

Z-Byte Wrote:  Ha! Your visualization methods remind me of the sorts of fantasy games that I played as a child. I still let myself fall into those little adventures every once in a while. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to see if I couldn't take my tulpas on one to help them into being.

I can't remember who but I got the idea of doing video game-like adventures with my Tulpa from someone else's PR. 

A lot of things happened yesterday despite me not actually forcing. For one, last night I kept getting headache-like feelings in the back of my head. I asked if it was Twi and the feeling began to slowly fade away. I also drifted into a series of several dreams at one point, two of which were about tulpae, one of them about Twi specifically. I think it may have been her. 

About what they meant, I'm not really sure. I also had several dreams about my girlfriend (her mom doesn't like the idea of us dating since we're both girls, so things have been awkward and I haven't been able to see her in over a week.) but I mainly remember the ones with Twi. In one of them, she told me her name and some of her likes, and that her Zodiac Sign was Cancer. I'm not sure if this is her telling me something or if I was just fantasizing what it will be like once she begins communicating with me which I have done a few times.

The other dream I had that wasn't mainly focused on Twi but on Tulpae in general, I was holding a paper with seven or so Tulpae and some information on it. One was Twi and the rest of the Mane Six followed (I do want to make tulpae for Dash and Flutters but I had never thought about the others) and then some odd OC I'd never seen before. I don't remember much besides that.

Also, for most of the day today my reactions have been rather slow and I've felt sort of trippy. I haven't had anything like drugs or alcohol so it's rather strange...